Baby News

There's a Heartbeat this time!!!! It's going strong at 130bpm, and the little baby (who I think might be a boy..just have a feeling) is getting bigger! I had an ultrasound 10 days ago, and baby was too small to see, so I waited and hoped and prayed for 10 days; I had actually geared myself up for the worst today, but the worst never came! I got to see a little baby about the size of a rasberry, with a tiny tiny heart flickering away. Now I have some peace of mind, we've made it a whole week farther than last time, let's hope it keeps going!

P's Poetry

Check out some of Pauley P's writing at www.pauleyp.itgo.com

That's her in the picture... not that you probably didn't figure that out already.

One of my personal favorites is War Drobe.

I can really relate to that one, and it sounds like something i've always wanted to write, but could never find the words.

So yeah, give her a read and, if you like what you see, then check out her official blog. You'll find hours and hours and hours of reading that will challenge your mind and soul.
www.pauleyp.com

Not only is she gorgeous (i mean, look at those eyes! and perfect pouty lips, and... ok i'll shut up), but she's ...real, and inspiring, and... fabulous.
(although i don't think people tell her that often enough! Every time I read anything by her I just want to reach out and give her a big hug!)


Do you ever wonder if anyones even reading this thing anyway?

I do.

P.S. Pauley, if you're reading this, I hope you don't mind me posting your sites and pics here! PLEASE let me know if you have any problem with anything on here and i'll remove it, I promise!

P.P.S. Who am I kidding? As if she has time to waste reading tripe like this!

P.P.P.S. Although i'd be really happy if she did! :)

Dwelling in this dwelling

Been dwelling on a dream that will not be.
forgetting what i'm supposed to believe
Was it my fault? Was it yours?
Neither. It was ours.

It was mine, but it was yours too.
Will you never hurt like me
because of what I will not be?
And if you did would you even let me see?

I wanted; you accepted.
I grieved; you breathed,
A sigh of relief,
And I re-live every day....
every day.

I will never forget what was going to be
I will never forget what it meant to me
to us
to be 'us'
But it won't be 'us'
It'll just be me.
I will do the silent suffering.

-SR.

And this pretty kitty is Ginny! Read the 'about me'
section for more on......my cat, who is undoubtedly
more fascinating than I.

My mother named me SoniaRose when I was born.
It wasn't until I was 3 that we found out that I have my own Rose.
SoniaRose

Okay, so who LOVED the outfit on Abby last night? Gotta love the plaid-school-girl-mini-skirt-yet-distinctly-Abby-Goth look. Oh, and the boots were just sooo perfectly loud, it was awesome.

Oh, and the pig-tails of course... my boyfriends personal favorite!

This isn't exactly what she was wearing last night... but close!

I think Gibbs should change the rules and make it mandatory for her to wear a skirt every shift. Oh, and spend more time on camera!

Not that Gibbs or Abby are even realy people.. but.. you know what i mean.

That's all really.

The Brighter Side...?

I'm having a hard time seeing the brighter side of what has transpired in the past month. On December 20th I started having a miscarriage. I knew something was wrong first thing in the morning when I went to the bathroom (i'll spare you the details) and went right to the doctor's office with my boyfriend. The doctor was, once again, unable to find a heartbeat with the doppler device so he sent me for an emergency ultra sound.

At least I got to see my baby once...
she was so tiny...
(I say she because as soon as I saw the image on the screen, i just...knew it was a girl)
... just a small little blob, a little bigger than a grain of rice..
...nowhere near the 10weeks development it should have been at.
...The baby had stopped developping at 6 weeks 3 days.
...There was no heartbeat...
... no movement.
It broke my heart.
I went straight to my mother's house, and broke down in her arms.

The next 3 days were the most agonizing, and uncomfortable days I have ever experienced. The pain was so unbearable by the 3rd day that I drove myself to the emergency room. This was the day before Christmas Eve.

6 hours, and one operation later, I was on my way home.
Home to my boyfriend, who loves me so much, and took such good care of me, and to my cat who knew something was wrong, and watched over my like a hawk for about a week.

And then....the clouds lifted I guess you could say...the grief was replaced with the hope of another chance...the sadness was replaced with the joy that I felt when my family welcomed my boyfried into their homes over christmas (something that was unheard of before).

The end of a long dark tunnel was finally in sight.

I still have to make a decision every day not to let myself be depressed, or sad, but to keep on moving, and breathing, and knowing that it is not the end of my world.

My world still contains the rest of my family, and the man that I love, and the possibilty of another baby in the future.

And that's a world I can live in.

Week 9

Well, 9 down, 31 to go! This little life inside of me is only about an inch long, but is already wreaking havoc on my body! I have been terribly sick for the past two weeks, not to mention exhausted. You know the perverbial "brick wall" that you hit every once in a while? Well, I feel like i'm permanently etched into it. I just want to sleep all the time. My 'bedtime' is usually around 9:30, and I don't drag my self out of bed until 7:30 if I can manage it, but I still feel tired! I just have to keep reminding myself that in 6 months and 3 weeks I will have a beautiful little baby to show for it....who will inevitably grow up to think that I'm an idiot, and will swear up and down that it will never be so cruel to it's children....until it has it's own children and then it will realize "wow....my parent's weren't so crazy after all..."

Trust me. I know from experience! ;)

Aside from feeling queasy and tired all the time, everything seems to be fine. I haven't had my first ultrasound yet, that will be the first week of January. At my last prenatal the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat with his doppler instrument, but he said not to worry, that at 9 weeks it was very difficult to find the heartbeat (it's literally a matter of luck) and that I'll get to hear it at my ultrasound...so I just keep reminding myself that worrying will only make things worse, and that everything is probably fine, and that in 2 weeks I will be seeing my baby for the first time!

We've been discussing names a fair bit too. We know what we'll name a boy, but we can't decide on what to name a girl. A boy will get his father's first name, Michael, but go by his middle name, Connor. We love the name Kathryn for a girl (in fact I'm pretty sure we've decided on that for a first name) but we can't decide on a middle name. I would like for her to have a special middle name, but there are no names in my family that go well with Kathryn!

*sigh* It's tough, this baby stuff!

Oh Baby...

Yesterday was a life changing day for me. In about 9 months my hubby and I will welcome a 'mini-us'.. or two... the chances of us having twins is pretty high since he -is- a twin, my grandmother had 2 sets of twins, and my mother had 1 set. Either way, there will be lots of love to go around. I'm happier than I probably should be, considering our financial situation, and my family will not be thrilled, but I am happy...and he is happy. I think he's almost surprised at how happy he is! Don't get me wrong, this is in no way an un-wanted pregnancy, just un-planned. We had talked about having children, but we both thought it would be a few years down the road yet. He was wonderful...shocked, scared, surprised, yes... but wonderful. We've even agreed on a boy name already! :) It really is increddible...I only found out yesterday, and already i've become attatched to this tiny tiny being inside of me. What a miracle!

Thrilling!

I don't know exactly to express the thrill i got when i saw that Pauley Perrette (pictured left) had specifically thanked people who had uplifting comments for her on her blog...Imagine logging on to the site of one of your most admired celebrities, and seeing your name there! Once again Miss P show what a wonderful person she is by taking the time to thank her fans, most of whom were thanking -her- for being so amazing! So Pauley, if you every stumble across this, just know that you made my day! Heck you made my week! (And don't worry, not all my posts will be about you!)